"He's Just Not That Into You" maybe not the best guide; authors, counselors offer their clues about love on the rocks
1 year, 5 months ago(219) 852-4329
mwoulfe@nwitimes.com ---
I am just not that into Greg Behrendt.
You know the Gregger, girlfriend.
He's the comic-turned-hack who morphed into a self-help god by co-scrawling "He's Just Not That Into You," the best-seller aimed at single ladies. The token straight male on the "Sex and the City" staff swears we Sweet Thangs can easily tell if a guy likes us, if only we heed his clues.
Ready?
The big stud plies you with calls, dates and sexual advances. Then he proposes.
Don't fret your pretty little head over matters like whether you actually like the guy or not.
Ahem.
Hands up, ladies who pine for a creepy alpha male tying up her voicemail with racy suggestions. Meet my little friend, Mr. Restraining Order.
Alas, the Gregger has parlayed his six-word mantra into a literary career and an eponymous chick flick starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly and Scarlet Johansson. Hint: The men are callous cads, the women, needy clingers.
Happily, in real life, beta males outnumber alphas 1,000 to one, which is why the propagation of the species continues. Alphas are exhausting.
How gratifying to find these views -- once restricted to Merlot-stoked evenings with best friends -- mirror the opinions of sober relationship experts.
For starters, Behrendt's glib theory reduces every guy to a not-so-nice everyguy.
"You can't pigeonhole men," says fellow self-help author Nicholas Aretakis, author of "Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right."
"There's not one rule for every guy."
If a guy likes you, you know it. You feel it in your gut. He respects you. He makes you feel loved, valued, cherished. He's available emotionally (and physically, like when you want to move furniture).
C'mon, you already know this stuff.
That said, there are always warning signs when a relationship is on the rocks. But many women do tend to ignore the red flags.
"If I only had a dollar for each woman I counsel who refuses to see the signs," said psychotherapist Gilda Carle, author of "Don't Bet on The Prince" and "He's Not All That."
As a pre-Valentine's Day service, here are 12 easy ways to tell if he is really NOT that into you. Gents, the advice works for you, too. Just substitute "he" with "she." To ignore one is human nature. Ignoring four or five is sheer folly.
The dirty dozen relationship red flags
1. He doesn't respect you for who you are. -- "Inside Relationships" columnist Jan Denise, author of "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not"
2. He's more interested in what you "do" together than just spending time together. -- Jan Denise
3. Does he tap his fingers when you try to talk to him? Does she pull back every time you lean toward her? Not good. -- Deborah King, frequent CNN commentator and author of "Truth Heals"
4. Have you stopped greeting each other with a smile and a hug? No words necessary to know the closeness is gone. -- Deborah King
5. He doesn't introduce you to his family and friends or take you to his office party. -- Jan Denise
6. He avoids talking about the future. We're not just talking the general garden-variety aversion that some men have about discussing relationships. -- Lisa Daily, "How to Date Like a Grown-up," NBC "Daytime" talk show
7. He's picking silly fights. The person who picks arguments is trying to get the other person (you) to make the first move. He wants a fight to justify leaving but doesn't want to take the blame. -- Lisa Daily
8. He used to be a three-blue-shirts-and-four pairs-of-chinos kind of guy and suddenly he's obsessed with Armani. A dramatic change in wardrobe or appearance is a strong indicator he's sprucing up for a new relationship. -- Lisa Daily
9. He withholds information about his job, finances, whereabouts, kids. -- Life coach Amy Schoen, author of "Get It Right This Time -- How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Relationship."
10. He shows scorn for progress you are making on your job, your diet and any other achievements. -- Amy Schoen
11. He has self-destructive habits -- or anything else -- that he's unwilling to talk about. -- Jan Denise
12. He's no longer interested in sex, or, worse, he has a new bag of tricks and a trapeze with the tags still on it. A dramatic change in sexual behavior can means two things: he's either learning it somewhere else, or getting it somewhere else. -- Lisa Daily
13. You catch him reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and taking notes. Oops, that's just my opinion.
