Hartford Courant- Families Divided On Political Views Make It Work Anyway
1 year, 8 months agoBy KATHLEEN MEGAN, October 15, 2008
For Katie Stebbins, politics are a personal matter, which is part of why it's so difficult for her to watch the presidential debates with her husband, Bruce.
She's a staunch Democrat, raised by parents she calls "liberal hippies," and he's the reddest of Republicans, having worked in the White House for Ronald Reagan, and later for George H.W. Bush.
"I just want to watch the debate with someone who agrees with me," Katie told her husband in their Springfield home during the last presidential debate. "He said: 'Well what's the fun in that?'
"My husband is much more cool. He doesn't feel the need to win ... but I want to sleep by the edge of the bed. I take it personally."
By now, most of us have our candidates in mind, but what if those closest to you — those living under the same roof — have diametrically opposed viewpoints when it comes to who should lead the country? What if you're living with the very person who is going to cancel out your vote?
Nick Hauptfeld of Berlin only half-jokes that it might be amusing to take his Obama bumper sticker and apply it to his 14-year-old son Jonathan's school locker.
"It reminds me of 'Family Ties,'" says Hauptfeld, an Obama supporter, while Jonathan has eyes only for McCain. "It was a television show where the parents were very liberal and then they have a son who is 'Joe Republican.'"
His wife, Laurie Hauptfeld, says, "It's kind of a shock that he [Jonathan] is as far to the right as he is. ... I'm still wondering, how come he's not more in line with us?"
Is political disagreement the type of issue that can undo a marriage or destabilize a family? Experts say it depends on how deeply held one's political affiliations are, how tied in to one's life philosophy. It also depends, of course, on how a couple deals with those differences: Are they able to discuss it without getting angry or, if that's impossible, to steer clear of politics all together?
With two other Hauptfeld children who are divided — 9-year-old Haley wants McCain while 10-year-old Christopher backs Obama — Laurie Hauptfeld is officially "undecided," a tactic that she admits may help family harmony.
"If the conversation continually turns hostile, it's definitely a deal-breaker," says Nicholas Aretakis, the author of the recently published "Ditching Mr. Wrong: How To End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right." He includes disagreement on political ideology on a list of 20 relationship deal-breakers, just after religious differences and before bad habits.
Christine M. Whitehead, a Hartford divorce lawyer, says she's never seen a marriage break up directly over political differences. But, she says, political conflicts may reflect issues that do break up marriages: differences in lifestyles or life priorities.
Todd Farchione, a psychologist and assistant professor at Boston University, says the degree of conflict a couple feels over differing political viewpoints is related at least partly to how emotional they are about it.
"It probably depends on the issues at hand," says Farchione. "Some tap closer to personal values. Those may be greater sticking points for the couple or family. ... Usually couples will share similar perspectives on these issues, but sometimes things don't come up 'til the issue is pressed."
Suddenly an issue may "tap into values and one person is saying: Who is this person I married who doesn't want health care for all?" he says.
Katie Stebbins knew from the start that Bruce was a Republican, and she also knew her own limits of tolerance. On their first date, she asked him for his opinion on two issues that would have been deal-breakers for her: gay marriage and a woman's choice to get an abortion. When he said he supported both, Katie knew a relationship was possible.
Bruce says the difference in political affiliation doesn't stress him, though he admits he's careful not to cheer on his candidate too much when he and his wife watch the debates together.
State. Sen. David Cappiello and his wife, Christine, say they are more focused on raising their sons than they are on their political differences.
When Cappiello, now a candidate for Congress in the state's 5th Congressional district, met Christine, he was a Republican in the state House of Representatives and she was working for the state's Senate Democrats.
Over the years they have learned how to handle their differences. "We have very intense conversations about how we differ, but we let it go," Cappiello says. "You can't let political differences get in the way of a good marriage. ... I enjoy debating, the conversation."
Laurie Hauptfeld grew up in a family where political discussion would send family members stomping from the dinner table. "We had shouting matches growing up," she says.
While her family members differ greatly in their political views, she's determined to keep the discussion on a more rational level.
"We really try to use this opportunity to help [the kids] construct their own argument," Hauptfeld says. The kids have taken to reading newspapers and watching television news programs to garner facts for their positions.
The attempt to keep it all rational seems to be working. Recently, Laurie and Nick overheard Christopher and Jonathan engaged in — not an argument — but a vigorous bedtime conversation in the room they share.
What were they discussing? Health care, the economy, foreign affairs, says Christopher.
But even more impressive, Christopher, who backs Obama, says of his brother, "I can understand why he's voting for McCain."
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