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SIGNS 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU'

1 year, 5 months ago

By ELISE McINTOSH
STATEN ISLAND ADVANCE

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- It's a brutal truth to swallow, but one that seems to be sinking in with women. Today's single gal has learned the hard way that if a man doesn't call her, comes up with excuses why they can't be together, or refuses to put a ring on her finger, it is as the title of the 2004 New York Times bestseller and upcoming film suggests: "He's Just Not That Into You."

These six words became a mantra for single women everywhere after the book, co-written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, received Oprah Winfrey's seal of approval and, consequently, hit best-seller lists globally.

Behrendt, a stand-up comedian from Los Angeles, is to take credit for the unforgettable catchphrase. Hired as a consultant for "Sex and the City" (SATC), he uttered those exact words during a SATC brainstorming session during which one of its staff writers was venting about a man who was sending her mixed signals.

"How could that be?" the nearly all-female SATC writing staff wondered about Behrendt's assessment, believing there could be no reason not to like their brilliant and beautiful colleague. Yet, once his painful truth set in, they all agreed: The line had to make its way into the show.

SATC fans may recall the episode in which it did: Miranda is baffled when her date kisses her at her doorstep yet declines the invitation to come up to her apartment because, as he says, he has an early-morning meeting the next day.

When Miranda asks her friends for their opinion about his explanation, they think it sounds reasonable. But Berger, Carrie's boyfriend and the only male at the table, concludes: "He's just not that into you," adding that "when a guy's really into you, he's coming upstairs, meeting or no meeting."

The book, inspired by this episode, became an instant publishing phenomenon. With all the hype surrounding the film -- which hits theaters Friday and features an all-star cast -- it, too, promises to be a smash.

THE SIGNS

Though the message in "He's Just Not That Into You" may come across as a wee harsh, the true intention of the book is to motivate women to ditch their unworthy dates so they can move on to more satisfying relationships.

Each chapter highlights a different kind of behavior that proves a man's waning interest, such as, "He's just not that into you if he's not dating you" or "... if he's not having sex with you" or "... if he doesn't want to marry you," and so on.

Nicholas Aretakis, a Brooklyn native now living in Scottsdale, Ariz., offers women some more warning signs in his own book, "Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right" (Next Stage Press 2008).

One sign he's not into you, he said, is if "he's not giving you prime time," or doesn't want to meet with you during those choice date nights, like Friday or Saturday evenings, even though you two have been dating a while.

Some other red flags he mentioned?

If he's calling you at the last minute. Or, as a last resort. Or, for a booty call.

Or, perhaps he has a wandering eye and keeps checking his text messages while on a date -- not good signs at all.

Some that are, however, include if he returns your phone calls, introduces you to his family and friends, and starts taking you places where he previously only went with "the boys."

"And, certainly, if he gives you a three-carat diamond," he added.

OVERLOOKING THE CONS

Aretakis, who describes himself as a former "jet-setting bachelor" before settling down and marrying at age 42, believes many women don't heed the warning signs.

"For some reason, women don't screen out guys well enough," he explained.

"They are so caught up in the moment, so excited and swept off their feet that they get stuck on one facet of his personality," like his charm, "and ignore all the other parts of his character."

Behrendt agrees, noting some women need a wake-up call.

"Sometimes you need a good kick in the [butt] and a dose of reality," he said in an interview last week.

He said many women gained the courage to dump the asinine men of their lives after reading his book.

This includes Christina, an Annadale resident, who was mistreated by a few men while in college.

Though she initially felt insulted when her mother gave her the book ("I felt like she was saying guys don't like me."), she realized Mom had good intentions and the message in the book was empowering, not demoralizing.

"The truth is, a lot of what they say [in the book] you know instinctively, but seeing it in print and reading the words ... makes it [the message] pop," she said.

"It's like: 'Duh, this guy sucks.'"

Before reading the book, Christina, who is shy to reveal her full name, would try her best to keep an incompatible guy around, weighing every action and word.

But after, "I became a little more quick on my feet," she said, noting, "I definitely played my cards differently ... thinking with my head rather than my heart."

The book, she added, became her "dating survival guide," and whenever a man was not treating her the way she deserved, she would read some of it to feel better.

Though the 26-year-old has a serious boyfriend now, she still finds the wisdom she plucked from the book useful when advising her friends, encouraging them they're better off alone than taking any abuse from men.

Behrendt couldn't agree more, noting dead-end relationships are a huge waste of time, advising both men and women who are in one to get out.

"You suffer a little bit of pain in the beginning," after breaking it off with an unsuitable mate, "but in the end, the rewards are great," Behrendt said, adding, "I've met a lot of people who have [taken the advice in the book] and moved on to better things."

Elise McIntosh, who is the Relationships editor with the Staten Island Advance, may be reached at mcintosh@siadvance.com. Read her blog at http://blog.silive.com/relationships/.

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