The Oklahoman: Debating can be Unhealthy for a Marriage
1 year, 8 months agoPolitics: Many couples may need to agree to disagree, or issues can fracture their union
Comments By Paula Burkes Published: October 23, 2008
Tony Wolters has been married to his wife, Ann, for 38 years. And for 38 years, she has refused to discuss her personal political interests and voting preferences with him. The current presidential election is no exception.
"I have no doubt that often we cancel out our votes,” said Wolters, who works with his wife at their executive search firm in Tulsa. He is a Republican; she is a Democrat. He’s red; she’s blue.
Throughout their years together, the Wolters have financially backed opposing candidates, attended socials for them and even hosted receptions in their home for adversaries. All along, Ann has kept her political views to herself, feeling her choices shouldn’t be influenced or compromised.
The Wolters are not alone as a politically split couple. According to a January survey by www.Engage.com, 85 percent of singles are open to being with someone outside their party, like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver or political pundits James Carville and Mary Matalin. But when political differences among couples impinge on each other’s happiness they can be deal-breakers, experts say.
"If your partner is wired to spar, but it makes you stressed out and follows you both into the bedroom, you’re likely not right for each other,” relationship expert Nicholas Aretakis said.
In his book, "Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right,” Aretakis addresses single women’s need to screen their prospective mates — from background checks to stands on issues. He especially addresses women ages 25 to 40 who want to have children,.
"Women tend to make up their minds on men early and cannot change course,” he said. They frequently make excuses for the guys in their lives, convincing themselves they can change them and won‘t find anyone else, he said.
"If you don’t agree with your partner’s political views, bite your lip and listen,” Aretakis said. "Don’t say, ‘That’s so ludicrous, idiotic’ or hurl some other insult in a condescending tone. If you feel ridiculed by your partner, you’re with the wrong partner,” he said.
Debbie Moore, a licensed professional counselor in Oklahoma City, agrees. "Sometimes, people can’t get beyond what they personally believe,” Moore said. "If that’s the case, stay away from political talk.
"But if you equally value different opinions, you can discuss politics and even have fun with it. My husband in a fun, teasing way kids me about supporting candidates who back socialized medicine. We laugh about it, so it’s not so serious.”
Other times, political-social issues, such as abortion, are serious. Moore has counseled couples haunted by abortions they had while dating. "After they marry, they see things worked out and struggle with the fact they could have kept the baby.”
It doesn’t take a televised presidential debate for sweethearts Alaina Harris, 26, and Matt Gjertsen, 25, of Oklahoma City to debate political and social issues. The pair were on their respective high school and college debate teams, so they come by it naturally.
Still, she’s an elephant, and he’s a donkey, so it makes things particularly interesting. "I come from a big Republican family, and he comes from a big Democrat family, so we tend to fall back on party lines,” Harris said.
"It’s usually my fault when things turn into a bigger deal,” Gjertsen said. "I can hop on the bandwagon of liberalism, get all worked up on it. Then, 20 minutes later, we’re still arguing before we realize we’re saying the same thing.”
For example, the couple agree on what they think the tax rate should be, and federal funding for certain federal programs.
At press time anyway, they were aligned in this presidential election. They’re voting for Obama.
"I like his energy program,” Harris said. In the debates, Harris said she was happy to hear Obama say, "I agree with Senator McCain” or "You’re right on that point.”
"Just like in our relationship, we can agree on the result, but may differ on the way to make it happen,” she said.
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