Abused but No Longer Confused
I took your book home and there it sat. Until 2:00 this morning, March 4, 2009. I have recently come out of a very trying and difficult relationship of a year. I am in my mid-30's, and he 10 years older. I have sat here back in my home, alone, wondering how can I get this man back. What can I do to make him mine again. It has been almost 5 weeks since that fateful night he got upset at me and told me to "pack my stuff and get out". I did. I have since seen him 2 times. But we do text daily. Now this is a man who had to see me everyday and would do anything to steal 10 minutes of my time. Now, he does not ask at all.
~He served prison time for financial improprieties
~He has at least a few DUI's on his record, so obviously has a substance abuse problem
~He makes a lucrative living, but it's suspicious whether it's legitimate/legal?
Well I sunk back into the black hole of my bed alone doing a crossword puzzle (btw he hated that I read in bed) using your book, Ditching Mr. Wrong as my table. I moved the crossword puzzle a little and caught the DIT. I looked at it and put aside my puzzles and started to read and cry and cry and read.
Let me tell you, had I read your book and saw those words in black and white back then, I would not be sitting here alone crying all the time.
I took the Litmus Test and scored a 30! 30! the words MOVE ALONG screamed at me like a alley cat!
***I sure hope I'm not boring you to tears yet. I'm sure you get a lot of these, but I needed to get it out.***
He is a combination, like I'm sure most men are.
~The Benefactor
He became bored - yes
His physical attraction waned for me - yes
He broke up with me - yes
I grabbed at anytime I could get with him when we were together. I did quiz him about why we never saw each other. So he started to accuss me of being controlling, insecure and jealous. He actually has said that he got home and I wasn't there. And when I was, he was tired and stressed.
He did become controlling, to the point where I do not have a relationship any longer with some of my family and a few (formerly) very close friends. I never saw girlfriends and when I did ask to go out he said that if the bar is where I want to be then I should not be with him.
WHAT I REALIZED FROM YOUR BOOK IS THAT I LOST MY SENSE OF IDENTITY, PURPOSE, CONTROL AND INDEPENDENCE. All to the point that the exact same night he kicked me out, my friends all gathered around me and did an intervention. Stating that I never smiled, I was always nervous and scared. Showind up with bruises and black eyes that they knew where not falling boxes or rocks. They said that he was toxic and that they wanted their friend back.
His another role was MAN IN CONTROL. Mix this with the Benefactor and you have him.
You stated that "a controlling man is not confident, at least not inside and deeply insecure". Again reading those words, made me feel like a fool. He would say things especially after I dropped weight from stress that I needed to tone up my legs and fill in the lines on my face because I looked old. Just adding more things to worry about and try to please him. I really think that he enjoyed breaking others down so that he felt better about himself.
Just go ahead and put yes next to everything listed under:
"Ditch him if..."
I think what really grabbed a hold of my soul and shook it so hard that I actually felt it was all the yeses under "Are you in an abusive relationship".
A couple of things from that that so opened my eyes.
He blames you for his violent behavior or tells you that deserve it.
After you make up, you may experience a time of exceptional closeness. This particular "closeness" came with an expensive gift to match my black eye and swollen lips.
I didn't, I don't want to be along-and there have been so many good times. I am ashamed to admit that having heard or read so many similar stories about from women, I made the dubious choice to stay with this man. And I have spend a year overreacting or even imagined the incident and with the physical scars.
So as I lay here typing and crying, I just wanted to thank you for your book and your words that filled up not only a blank piece of paper but my heart and soul. I always thought I would need time for my heart to catch up with my mind. I guess I just wasn't ready back then to read the truth. But tonight at 2:00am my spirit awoke and led me to finally being able to "Ditch Mr. Wrong", and I thank you so very much.
